Why won't my phone work?

[ItheCustomer]

Hi

I am a very important man.  I tried phoning BT but they just fobbed me off by answering "Hi, Pizza Hut".

This seems to me to be a very cheap tactic.  I have determined that since I am paid £54 per hour, I will be having my accountant invoice BT at this rate until my phone is fixed.

Since it is not fit for purpose, I will for the moment continue to keep my keys in it but can anybody tell me what other uses I can put this object to?

If anybody has come up against the same barrier, can you tell me which toppings I have to request to get put through to someones manager?

Kind regards,

Mr Cooke

[OldWolf]

Hi,

First mistake you made was not to immediately ask for 'secret sauce', as this allows the person on the other end of the phone to know you are serious.

What you then need to do is ask for a super pizza with 4 meat (must have pepperoni), 3 cheeses, and at least one type of vegetable.

You then have to ask for two diet and one normal large drinks, at least one of which has to be Sprite, and a side order of chips and kebab sauce (note that kebab sauce is not 'secret sauce').

Finally make sure that you change at least two parts of the order after you have done all that, and your phone should work perfectly.

Hope that helps.

Dave A

[ItheCustomer]

Hi OldWolf

Thank you for your prompt response.

Unfortunately, they are committed to their stance.  I followed your instructions precisely and they actually sent a delivery man round with a whole load of pizza.  Since I am a vegetarian, this was a complete inconveniance!

As you know, I am a very important man and will have to add the cost of this frankly enormous order to the growing costs that BT are incurring.

I took the day off work to check my phone every 3 or 4 minutes but so far there has been no change whatsoever.  I tried shouting into it in case they are listening but now I have a sore throat.

Can you tell me what my next step should be?

Kind regards,

Mr Cooke

[OldWolf]

Dear Mr Cooke,

That's annoying, as it worked for me in the past.  Are you absolutely sure you didn't mix up your kebab sauce and the 'secret sauce'?  It's easily done.

As you now have a sore throat I would say that you should redouble your efforts.  Call them again and this time start with super size drinks (which should help the throat in the longer term).  Next request a pineapple pizza without pizza bread, which should send them into enough of a spin to confuse them into thinking that they are a helpdesk for telephone issues.

Describe your problems to them, but only using vegetable metaphors, just to avoid the whole meat issue.  Return them to their less confused state by shouting "GARLIC BREAD!!" repeatedly.

At this stage you should delegate your phone checking duties to the delivery person, who you may have to bribe with some of the super size drinks.

This should hopefully get the phone fixed within 48 hours.

Hope that helps.

Dave A

[celavey]

I don't exactly get what happened back there. I haven't encountered any customer service like this so far. It is like you are giving jokes with customers which is far from having work ethics.

[OldWolf]

Hi,

I think someone missed the humour in that one...  🙂

Cheers.

Dave A

[Seraphsailor]

@celavey: where you say:

"....I haven't encountered any customer service like this so far. It is like you are giving jokes with customers which is far from having work ethics."

You are describing BT perfectly no customer service and no customer focussed work ethics

...and Wolfie: it's not chips; it's fries